Area Man Spends Seven Hours Picking Out Socks

They say “Back To School” season can increase anxiety by up to 27% for youth between the ages of eight and nineteen. But a new hire at HayStack middle school says he thinks teachers have under-reported levels of stress.

“My first day on the job as an 8th grade science teacher, I showed up for work like I would at any other job. But after seven different students replied to my ice-breaker joke with ‘Okay, Boomer’ I made the mistake of looking up the phrase in Urban Dictionary.”

The area teacher expressed his shock at the language and vivid imagery used on the slang-word defining site,

“In my day, we knew how to make jokes without resorting to lewd language. The f-bomb may get some laughs, but it’s played out. It takes real wit to make clean jokes that make people laugh. Maybe this younger generation doesn’t know what comedy is anymore.”

He went on to explain that too many sexual jokes with inappropriate language have desensitized youth, keeping them from seeing the charm and humor in appropriate jokes like the one he told at the beginning of each new period on the first day of school.

“What do you do with a sick scientist? If you can’t Helium, and you can’t Curium, then you might as well Barium!”

The young teacher laughed for three full minutes at his own joke, muttering Barium under his breath a few times between guffaws.

“I mean those puns are on fleek, and I didn’t get a single chuckle.  Even after I backed up and explained that Helium, Curium and Barium were all elements, the students just rolled their eyes. So, I sang the song I was saving for the second quarter about the number of protons in an atom neuclei. I wrote it myself, it’s a parody of Umbrella by Rhiana… with the chorus going ‘ella…ella..elements…’  Trust me, it’s super catchy. But they just sighed and said, ‘Okay Boomer.'”

The area man, upon learning the children that he would be teaching all year thought of him aa an out of touch baby boomer, was outraged.

“I just got my master’s degree, and I only took one gap-year, so I mean, I’m barely even a millennial. Some would argue I’m Generation Z, proof that the social sciences shouldn’t even be called sciences because they don’t handle data with precision.”

When his fifteen-minute rant on historical inconsistencies in the accepted societal accounts concluded, the area teacher shrugged his shoulders a little and picked a piece of lint off of his pants.

“Anyway, next week I’ve carved out some classroom time to explain the origins of the word ‘Boomer,’ which I’m sure will set them straight. And in the meantime, I’ve picked out an entirely new wardrobe. I think I have a pretty hip second day of school outfit, but I can’t decide about the socks. I’ve put a binary poll up on my Facebook group, and I’m seeking out opinions on a Reddit thread. If I can really nail my accessories, I’m sure I can make up for a rough first day.”